Eat some chips and salsa, and we've got a real party going

Gabe (reading label): There's so much alcohol in this mouthwash that one tiny sip of it makes all the germs in my mouth drunk.

I think your stream of consciousness just insulted me

Eva (to Dad): We are all having chocolate waffles for breakfast but you are fat so you are going to have snowflakes instead but Gabey and I are big so we are going to have chocolate waffles for breakfast.

Make it an even dozen

Mom: I'm making scrambled eggs. Does anyone want some?

Gabe: I do!

Dad: Gabe's already eaten a bagel, a banana, and a bowl of cereal.

Gabe: Yeah, so just make me a couple

Maybe it's my super-hero name, and dad is my secret identity

Dad: What's going on around here? I'm vibing, big time.

Eva: You're not Vibing, you're dad

Gabe weighs in on one of the greatest Easter debates of all time

Gabe (speaking of a marshmallow peep): Man, these things are way better after they've been left out for a couple of days.

Oh THAT Uncle Seth. He's right over there.

Gabe: Dad, have you seen uncle Seth? We're playing hide and seek

Dad: Nope.

Eva: He's a little guy with a black sweatshirt

I find your sense of pride confusing

Dad: Gabe, are your underpants on backwards?

Gabe: Yup! And they're inside out too!

. . . Or Moonbeam Starlight Kimball

Dad: I was thinking of using a nature name for this baby. Autumn, Violet, Summer - something like that.

Eva: How about Shoe-Butterfly?

Upon learning that our fourth baby is indeed a girl

Eva: I KNEW IT!

I can't be responsible for what my kids do when I'm not around. He's practically a man for pete's sake.

Gabe: That medicine tastes exactly like dark beer.

Horrified grandmother: How do you know what beer tastes like?

Not exactly politically correct.

Eva (after hearing Nate sing this song): Daddy is singing that Jesus is a bagel!

Thanks?

Dad: You're going to have nice big lips like me.

Eva: Yeah, and nice big ears like you do, too.

The problem with Dr. Suess being taken literally

Eva: I'm going to go downstairs and get my blanket. You close your eyes and start to read the book.

Dad: Okay

Eva (adamantly): Close your eyes.

Dad: Okay (closes them)

Eva: Now start to read.

Dad: I can't read with my eyes closed

Eva (very confused): Why not?

The birds and the bees . . . and the Home Depot

Eva: I have a baby in my tummy.

Dad: How did the baby get in your tummy?

Eva: She climbed a ladder and hopped in.

Treatise on the nature of squirrels

Gabe: Squirrels are pretty dangerous because they have sharp teeth, sharp claws, good runners, good jumpers, good climbers . . . really brave . . . really fast, and really strong.

Sadly, he does have lots of experience

Gabe (to a sick Eva): If you have any questions about throwing up, just ask your Gabey.

What are you smoking?

Eva: The wind made me fall up in the sky like a cloud.